Introspection & Transformation

Introspection & Transformation

As the days begin to lengthen and the sun’s rays become stronger, I often begin to reflect on the winter’s journey. It began in September as I prepared myself for the upcoming winter months. Knowing it would be a time to reflect inward I approached the season with curiosity as I had never done before. While many use the New Year as a time for change and new beginnings, I prefer to go further into my inner depths, exploring the darkness within until the spring, when the seeds that I had planted begin to sprout.

Beginning the YTT program in November and going on through May, has nurtured this process. While the journey of self inquiry and change can be somewhat scary, the YTT program and the community we have built there have provided a safe vessel for one to move deeper into self exploration. We have been gathering tools together for the transformation to continue. While we are each safe in our cocoons we have become more transparent, allowing ourselves to be seen and heard. We have also cultivated a keen sense of hearing and an opening in our hearts which allows us to see and hear the others that are with us on this path of awakening.

The time spent  in our cocoons is a gestation period of new beginnings. The seed has been planted for new ideas and paths to be explored. The short days allow us to meander through our minds searching for answers to questions and discovering unknown territory. The cold winter months allow us to get reacquainted with ourselves. The quiet and solitude allow for a peaceful escape into our inner most depths.  

While we each turn inward we find strength in the fact that the other members of our Sangha (community) are on the same journey with us. In the past this path may have seemed a maze we could not navigate on our own. This time we have a guide to help us when we get lost.  Our guide is not there to tell us where to go or how to travel, our guide is there to encourage us to find our way from within and to remind us that we are not alone.

As the days begin to grow longer we realize our intention for ourselves has been set. Our new growth has begun and our dreams grow bigger and clearer. We begin to rustle in our shells, anxious for spring awakening. Slowly growing out of our shells we acknowledge a certain serene death of old ways and habits. We feel the birth of new ideas thoughts and feelings.  With new found ease we accept past experiences as kind teachers.

As we emerge from our shells we slowly spread our new found wings of hope and faith.  Having cast off old patterns of things which no longer serve our awakening, we feel lighter. Breathing in the warm spring air there is a sense of freedom and possibilities. Smiling, we bask in the warm rays of gratitude as we take flight towards our dreams and passions ready to create ourselves over and over and over again.

House and Home

The Maine Yoga House and The Shala Institute of Yoga: Integrating Art and Science for Whole Health. 

The Maine Yoga house has become like a second home to me. As I dive deeper into myself through the YTT (yoga teacher training) and the apprenticeship program,   I find that it is a safe place to explore mind, body and soul with trust and acceptance.

  Before I enter the building I always say a little affirmation to myself of gratitude for the time I am about to spend within the walls of this safe haven.  It is a good sized  house which looks as though  any one of us could live in it (rather than simply a studio). It is a subtle yellow hue that invokes joy, inviting happiness and warmth.  

As I enter the door I am greeted with a place to kick off my shoes and a hook for my overcoat and hat. This little nook imbues me with relaxation and an invitation to stay a while. There is always some sort of calming music playing. Whether it is nature sounds, bells chiming or chanting, it lulls you into a serene state of mind. 

As I walk through the entry way there is an open concept kitchen to my right and a living room to my left. The sunshine streams through the windows warming  the room in the winter months. The kitchen is always stocked with fresh fruit and an assortment of teas to choose from. The big comfy couches have pillows and blankets draped over the sides.  We spend our lunch breaks here pressed together taking in nourishing food and whimsical conversation.  The twinkling of laughter fills the room as we share stories and experiences.  We have become family within only a short period of time.  So it is fitting that we have a “family room” to reflect with one another. It allows for a deep sense of belonging.

The second floor is where the “office” and the studio are. There is a curved desk behind which you will often find the owner and director of The Yoga House, Amy Figoli.  She always greets us with a warm welcoming smile and open arms. The room is set up with a chair and a small couch and all sorts of spiritual décor. There are shelves with books to borrow or simply peruse as you wait for class to begin. I could spend hours sitting there sipping tea and browsing through books on the many aspects and styles of yoga as well as literature about anatomy, spirituality and cooking. There is also a small changing room and a closet for the yoga props. This is where we get to chat and lounge comfortably before and after class.

As I enter the room to the studio I am requested by a lovely sign on the door to hold silence as I enter. This reminder lends to the mutual respect of one another as I enter, allowing me to be fully present to the moment. This sign gives me permission to leave anything and everything at the door that is reeling around in my mind. My intent is set immediately and it is as if a calming wave of peace has washed over me.

The room is simply decorated. The walls are a soothing color of blue. One wall has a giant Om symbol painted on it. The opposite wall is painted with blooming cherry trees.  In a corner there is a Buddha statue. Often there are already students lined up who have claimed their spaces, sitting on their mats waiting for class to begin. As we all get situated we nod to one another or smile and wave, all thankful to be sharing the space.

When Amy walks into the room we are ready. She will often comment on the energy of the room, sometimes it is humming with energy and sometimes it is heavy with contemplation. Whatever the tone, she is in tune with each and every one of us.

Amy brings hours of experience to her classes.  She is able to harness our energy and adapt each class to where we are   in our practice. If the energy is high she is able to ground us and even us out by giving us firm clear guidance. If the tone is somber she is able to make us laugh by adding a joke or a few extra “awkward” moves that have us giggling from the effort. If we are lethargic she can get our hearts pumping reviving us with energy.  Reflective of life, she often throws in a curve ball that will have us grunting in mock animosity at the strain she is putting us through. Her classes are far more than a work out or a series of poses. Her classes are full of insight, emotion and wisdom. I always leave class feeling as if I have tapped into a new part of me that I never knew existed. For that moment in time I am fully present and nothing else in the world seems to matter.

After each class I wonder how long that feeling of bliss will last. I am always hesitant to leave the nurturing arms of the house, the home. I allow myself to linger at times simply allowing the feeling to soak in.

 Just like life, I have to exit those doors and go back to reality.  I have to pick up those things I left at the door and put them back in my bag. Yet, that bag seems a little bit lighter each time.  The more I practice the lighter I become with acceptance and gratitude. The deeper I explore my Self through this practice, the longer that feeling of bliss remains.  The more I learn from my teacher of yoga, my fellow students of life and yoga,  and my teacher within the more brilliant life becomes and I am able to walk through those doors with confidence and courage and the willingness to create my life as I want it to be.

Namaste!

 http:// maineyogahouse.com/

I encourage you to explore yourself and the world through yoga and its magical transformational qualities. I highly recommend Amy and The Yoga House.  Explore the possibilities!! What are you waiting for?!

Habits. Vices. Addictions.

Self Study part 2: Habit, Vice and Addiction; Different or one in the same?

As I continue further into my studies for my yoga teaching certification many questions exploring the Self continue to arise. I can hardly keep them all in order. Not only am I making healthy choices but something is continuing to shift inside of me that is allowing great change from the inside out. It is an adventure I am ready to take. As with all adventures there are challenges and hardships. There is fear along with excitement. There are victories and setbacks. This only means I am getting closer to my truth. However, there are many many layers of self perception (and deception) to dig through. (Not to mention outward perception of other people, places, and things…but that is another blog entirely.)

One subject that has provoked extensive contemplation is addressing habits, vices and addictions. This is somewhat of a taboo that not many of us are willing to admit about ourselves much less study at all. The question that has arisen is: What do we do or use to distract ourselves from things we do not want to face?  Also, Are these different or one in the same?

After much thought on this subject I decided to start with the basics, a dictionary definition of each.

Habit- n: 1. an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. 2. Customary practice or use. 3. a particular practice, custom, or usage. 4. A dominant or regular dispostion or tendency; prevailing character or quality. 5. Addiction, especially to narcotics

 Vice-n: 1. an immoral or evil habit or practice. Synonyms: fault, failing, foible, weakness. 2. Immoral conduct; depraved or degrading behavior: a life of vice. Synonyms: depravity, sin, iniquity, wickedness, corruption.  Synonyms: wantonness, degeneracy, licentiousness. 4. A particular form of depravity. 5. A fault, defect, or shortcoming. Synonyms: flaw, blemish, imperfection, foible, weakness.

Addiction-n: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

One of our homework assignments is to give up one habit, vice or addiction for the duration of a month, in which time we are to reflect and journal about our experience with this. When we return to class we can either continue with this thing we have given up and/or move on to another one of our choice.  I chose to give up alcohol. This has not been hard for me as I had already been doing this in order to prepare for my class. I wanted to enter into it with clarity and focus.  Alcohol is something that has deeply affected me on many levels. I was around a lot of alcohol abuse when I was growing up. Alcoholism runs in my family. I have dated men with alcoholism. I have worked in restaurants where the majority of people drink habitually after work.  I can admit that while I did not drink when I was young, I too have abused alcohol in the past. I have definitely used it as a distraction from facing many things. I have used alcohol to take the edge off in social situations,   to avoid relationships issues, to avoid grieving, to avoid my own thoughts, to try to get a better night’s sleep, to avoid sexual issues. Basically it was used out of fear. Fear of facing a truth. I can probably count on my fingers the amount of times that it was used in a responsible way. Some of this I am only realizing now as I type this.

Now that I have this new found awareness I am happy to say that I will not allow myself to use alcohol in an unhealthy way.  I have discovered that while drinking alcohol became a negative habit during challenging times, it is not an addiction for me. Upon giving up alcohol I have had no adverse effects. No withdrawal symptoms. In fact, I feel far healthier and much clearer mentally.  

This leads me to ponder whether I am addicted to anything at all. And if all addictions are really as negative as they say? What are my other vices or habits? What do I use as a means of distraction? What do others use?

One thing I use as a distraction is music! I finally realized this after the radio in my car broke.  As I was forced to drive in  silence I filled the void with singing. (I LOVE to sing) Then I began reciting yoga poses out loud in Sanskrit. Finally, finally, I drove in silence and listened to my thoughts. I think I may have laughed out loud as a result of my epiphany.  Next, continuing to feel a bit awkward with the silence, I began to talk to myself, realizing that this was a pretty safe place to test out some of my ideas out loud, where no one could overhear me. I decided that music is one habit that I am ok with. Perhaps even an addiction. It is safe. It does not harm me or anyone else. Nor does it cause me trauma when I stop listening to it. (Well, except that I have to listen to myself!) I have also used music as a means to arrive at a feeling faster, to begin a process that I just can’t seem to get rolling.  When I need to cry but cant, I listen to some sad songs.(Adele, Mazzy Star, Gillian Welsh) When I want a little lift, I listen to upbeat happy music.(Reggae anyone?!) If I need to let go of some anger, I will listen to loud abrasive music and sing until I lose my voice.  (Tool, NIN, Ani Difranco!) If I need to be soothed, I will immerse myself in something inspirational, tranquil or motivational. ( Kirtan, Chanting, Ambient) I could go on suggesting music as a means of therapy but I think you get the idea. However, it is oh so good to just simply sit in silence and enjoy the sounds around you. To bring one back to the NOW and enjoy the Self. I am grateful for this lesson.

I am finding that habits, addictions, and vices are very different. There are some close similarities but each has its own “vibe” if you will.

Habits can be a positive thing. Some good habits are brushing our teeth, meditating and/or exercising daily, hydrating, practicing gratitude and so on and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been acquiring positive habits in place of letting go of habits that no longer serve me. I am letting go of the internet as a way of distracting myself. With Facebook and Netflix so easily accessed I find myself escaping to these places to avoid sitting quietly with myself and facing my fears.  I will admit that I have the bad habit of trying to “fix” people as a way to avoid fixing myself! So I am now looking for healthy ways to do that. I am learning to recognize other escape patterns I have. My safe haven is my bedroom, my bed and sleep.  I have been known to spend days wallowing in and out of sleep hoping that my challenges will pass me by. I have used shopping as a quick fix when I feel drab and unsatisfied with myself. I have even used sex to try to put a band aid on bad relationships.  I will be the first to admit that realizing these things is no easy task.  Admitting it is terribly frightening, it makes you feel vulnerable.  It is true that old habits die hard. I find it easy to fall back into negative patterns that I found comfort from in the past. However, the more diligent I am about making the changes, the better it feels. And the better it feels, the less I seek out those old ways.

Next I am going to take a look at vices. As I read the definition above I feel fear. This is going to require me recognizing and admitting my own character flaws. To look at myself and admit any immoral conduct or behavior that may have caused wickedness or corruption.  This one is very challenging. It makes me feel very vulnerable. And I have yet to open all of the windows into this part of myself. I can tell you that one of my major vices as a human is falling victim to my own anger. There was a point in my life that I was unable to look inward and was angry and hostile as a result of it. I blamed everybody and everything except myself. It caused me to have a few minor issues with the law. I lost friends due to this anger. Since then I have learned how to harness this energy. I have also come to terms with the things within myself that I was angry about. I have also been known to gossip. Not aware of the harm it was doing. Until I was the center of it I did not realize how our stories can hurt others.  This is something I have been changing too. It’s easy to get caught up in it. People like to talk and people like to complain and people like to pass blame. It is so much more fulfilling for me to separate myself from talking too much about others.  Dare I say that I was extremely naïve in my younger years and grateful for the wisdom I have acquired and that I am excited to move forward with my new found awareness of myself.  Some other character flaws that I am learning to accept about my Self: I wear my heart on my sleeve and not everyone is comfortable with that. I tend to get caught up in the excitement of a moment and I am learning to harness that. I am gutsy about confronting people rather than gossip and I am learning that some people are not comfortable with the truth so it is best if I just keep it to myself. I try to fix people that don’t want fixing so I am learning to only help those that ask for it. I have cast blame on others for my choices and I have learned to own my choices. I have a tendency to overextend my compassion and tolerance so I am learning to harness that in a healthy way. I laugh too loud sometimes and talk too much so I am ok with the fact that I am a “BIG” presence at times and I am learning to be a better listener.  For now, that is all I can think of as far as character flaws. Or maybe these are the only ones I am willing to admit for now. I’m sure some of you can relate to this.

As far as addictions go I can thankfully say that I don’t have any. At one point in my teenage years I was very lost and smoked pot daily throughout everyday for many years. If I did not have it I would be very angry and emotional. It definitely caused major withdrawal symptoms when I stopped using it as a means of escape. I had to re-learn what it felt like to go through life WITH an edge. I learned how that edge is important to our coping mechanisms. It took many years for me to accept that it can be addictive. That I was not living in reality because everything I did was masked by the drug. I did not want to do anything at all Sober. I am one of the lucky ones. I am not easily addicted to any drugs or alcohol. I have seen too many loved ones struggle with these addictions and I would never ever allow myself to suffer in that way. I especially do not want to put my loved ones through the pain of worrying about me.  Yes, worrying is a waste of time because we are thinking about things that have yet to happen. However, we are human and it is difficult to never worry about someone that is being self destructive with addictions.

I stand corrected; I am addicted to meditating in the morning. When I don’t get to do it I feel as though something is missing and it can cause “psychological trauma” if I allow it to. What I have learned is that I can meditate at any point anywhere. This is what I call a healthy addiction. At least I think so.

Upon exploring all of my habits, vices and addictions I am feeling very in tune and aware of myself. In my earlier years this would have caused extreme discomfort. Now, I am ready to face my Self with wide open arms of acceptance, gratitude, love, and patience. I am seeing myself in a whole new light and I am hoping to live my live with integrity in maintaining a healthy perspective of myself. I am choosing to continually seek my truth, a truth that resonates with my happiness and well being. In sharing my journey with you I hope to inspire you to find yourself a path, a path towards a truth that resonates with you. May you find courage in knowing that you are not alone.

 Peace and Balance on your journey.

A Leap of Faith

A journey of self exploration and surrender

In August I found the courage to take a leap of faith. I filled out an application for a 200 hour yoga teacher certification.  Although I have known for about 10 years that I would like to teach yoga, I could not see a path towards it due to financial risks. With having to take off of work, and support my family, AND pay for the course all at the same time it seemed impossible….

In August, during my daughter’s birthday week celebration, I had a reprieve from life’s challenges. Not for any reason other than me shifting my perception from one of doubt and fear to gratitude for what I have and faith that  the universe will provide what I need at just the right time. 

As soon as I shifted this perception the world seemed to open up to me. Nothing in my immediate life changed…there are still financial issues, relationship issues and so on and so forth. But it seemed that one door had closed and another one opened and I was not stuck in the hallway in between (limbo) this time.

A friend told me about the teaching certification within a reasonable distance from my home. That very night I contacted the school and began the application process. I had/have no idea where the money is coming from and in the end I will be missing out on about $3500. However, I knew for sure that this was my path and as it turns out the school is willing to work with a payment plan that I am comfortable with.

As soon as I received the email that I was accepted, I began to prepare. I dove right in and bought all the books and props needed and recommended. I began to remove toxic things from my life. This includes not only alcohol but habitual ways of thinking and acting. I began a journey into myself from the moment I began reading. I challenged myself with self discipline.  This in turn began to deepen my personal yoga practice as well as my relationships with others. Something within me began to shift. 

 I had prepared myself all week for the first day of school. I obsessively checked the list of supplies to be sure I had everything. I checked and rechecked the dates and times so as not to be late.  I was nervous but not afraid. I was feeling so ready, yet had no idea what to expect.  I walked in with a GIANT bag of yoga supplies. My mats, blocks, bolster, meditation pillow, strap, blankets, books, food, and extra clothing.  I was ready for anything. I was totally ahead of the game. The rest of the students still needed to order books and props. I had been worried that I would not be ready.  Now, I can look back at myself and giggle at my nervousness. I really had nothing to worry about. Yoga always meets you right where you are.

I walked into the room with curiosity and possibly feeling a little bit shy. Several of the students were already there chit chatting. As I rolled out my mat one of the other students broke the ice  and we all began talking. We were all immediately in tune with one another.  As it turns out I  know one of the students which also helped me feel more comfortable. 

As the teacher walked in we all became silent. She sent us into an hour long grounding yoga flow which dissipated our nervous energy. This began a 3 day journey together of self exploration and surrender and sore muscles!!

As the weekend continued we absorbed an incredible amount of information. There is so much more to being a yoga teacher than I ever expected. It is not just about the poses. (Asana) There is more to it than breathing (Pranayama). It is a lifestyle, a lifestyle that I am so ready to absorb and incorporate into my everyday life.

As we explored the many layers of becoming a teacher we began to peel back the layers of our Selves. There was laughter, tears, frustration, confusion, exhaustion. Each and every one of us began to reveal our true selves. Our insecurities, our fears, our triggers, our hopes and dreams were all laid out on the table. And this is only the beginning!! We have 6 more months of this journey.(and it won’t end there!) We have homework and goals to reach within our personal practice. We have changes to make and vices, patterns and addictions to let go of. We have a lot to accomplish in the up coming months.

 As I drove home last night I reflected on the entire weekend’s experience. I made deep connections with people I barely know. I was able to express myself without being judged. I was able to accept constructive criticism without taking it personally. I cried when others expressed their grief feeling an overwhelming sense of compassion for these “strangers”. We held a vessel of safety for one another that allowed us to begin to turn ourselves inside out. I felt simply blissful. I felt so many feelings I have never felt before. And now I know, without a doubt, that I am in the right place at the right time.

Fast forward to today. The elevated level of bliss has decreased a bit as I settle back into reality. Being away at school was like a vacation, I could have stayed there forever. I realize that the greatest challenge is going to be maintaining that level of bliss and inspiration in my everyday life. I have to take every challenge that life presents with grace and quiet contemplation. Yet, I must remember to be gentle and compassionate with myself and my human-ness. We all make mistakes (even yoga teachers) and we all get tripped up by life. It is how you act or react that really matters.

As I make changes I am met with resistance from certain people in my life.  Some of them have reacted with anger and resentment. Some of them have even accused me of being “above” them. Some of them are taking it personally. In the past I would have defended myself to every reaction. Now, I just explain that I am doing what is best for me. (And my daughter) I am not doing this as a way to judge anyone else’s choices or lifestyles.  In fact, it has given me a better understanding of how to accept all kinds of people and paths. My changes have given me a renewed sense of appreciation for diversity. I know that I will be losing some relationships from my life as people misunderstand my intent. I know I will be accused of looking down my nose at people. I recognize that feeling in myself from the past. When someone else in my life began to make healthy choices or changes for themselves I began to question myself which made me uncomfortable and it made me feel fear. I am ready to accept this.  I can take it with stride now because I know my truth. I know I am speaking from my heart and offering love and compassion and empathy. I know I will trip up and even fall again as a result of life’s curveballs but I now have renewed trust in myself and my choices. I have faith that my path will lead me to where I need to be even if I can’t see the path clearly. I am ready for this next chapter in my life…which I think could be called “evolution”.  (or growing)

Suddenly, mornings are easier for me. I am ready to wake up and greet the day. I am eager to sit in silence. I am eager to move onto my mat and I am ready to take the lessons learned here and apply them to the rest of my life. We are all mirrors of one another. What we like or dislike in others is often a reflection of our Self. I greet this with an open mind, open heart and open arms. I am recognizing my flaws and either accepting them or changing them.  I am thankful for the ability to do this and for life’s lessons. 

  While maintaining respect, consideration and anonymity of the other students the teacher and the school I am going to share my journey of transformation with you. I hope you will come along with me for the ride! In sharing, I hope some of you are inspired to look deep within yourself to discover your truth and life’s purpose. Perhaps we will learn from one another along the way too. 

Namaste!! 

“The result of a skillfully lived life is nothing less than joy. Not the kind that comes when things are going our way and disappears just as quickly, but the kind that bubbles up from within. The kind of joy that comes from our own sense of mastery in life that no matter what life brings, we are ready.” –from the book “The Yamas and Niyamas, Exploring Yoga’s Ethical practice By: Deborah Adele.

On loss

"What do you need?" they ask. As if there is something that could fill this void in my womb. I dont even know what i need, myself. I ask that question everyday. It all happened so quickly and we are left with nothing but emptiness. Unanswered "whys". A yearning for something, anything and nothing at all. Its all so surreal, I feel as though Im walking through a dream and i cant wake up. Wishing for a different ending.Trying to make that ending happy. Yet knowing these thoughts are unproductive. So I listen to them and release them and come back to my serene sadness. Knowing time will heal all. I pace circles in my mind. Not knowing where to go with these thoughts. Coming full circle round to each feeling. Remembering thoughts I had hours ago to which I never followed through with. I cant even figure out which kind of tea I want much less think about going back to work. The world. Reality, where life just continues on with or without you, when you feel as though your life has nearly come to a grinding halt. Making a pit stop with grief. Whether you want to or not. You cant run from it. You cant hide. It forces you to visit with it. It will hold you there til you have the strength to walk forward on your own. It will keep you there, as if in Wonderland, if you are not careful. So I keep treading so as not to get pulled under. Yet allow griefs arms to enfold me for just a little while. Honoring the necessity of its darkness.

Your Spring

I really should make it a point to write everyday. Since computers and technology have become a staple in my daily life I have written less. You would think that I would write more seeing as I can keep up with my thoughts easier if I type. But there is something lost, it seems, in the clicking of my fingernails against the keys. It  feels stale to this traditional diarist. I have all of my journals saved from when I was the age of 19. The age at which I left the house and began the first steps of my adult journey. Even the handwriting tells a story.  I would have diary's from as far back as the age of 12, except for the fact that my little brother stole one of mine  and read it to his entire 3rd grade class. And lets just say..... It was not PG. I was so horrified that I never wrote in a diary again until I moved out. There are times when I think I should write about more creative things. Or perhaps poetry or songwriting. But I am truly best at writing about feelings and life. My journey. My perspective. It sure is funny how being wrong can feel an awful lot like being right until we REALIZE we are wrong. I can only speculate how others perceive things, people, emotions. Sometimes I am going to be wrong. Sometimes Im going to be right. And sometimes I am going to be both at the same time. Choosing to agree to disagree is a hard decision to make and accepting and not judging the other perspective is even harder. I have found myself debating with someone only to realize that we are saying the same thing only in a different way. It is at those times that I am clearly aware of the diversity of perspectives. I have changed my perspective recently. It was not an overnight shift in outlook. It has been gradual. Nearly unnoticeable. Because nothing has changed on the outside. I have the same job, house, friends, relationship, hopes, fears and dreams as I have had for sometime now. What has changed is the tone of my thought patterns and feelings. I have (finally) shifted my perspective. That is not to say that everything is my life easy. Its that I have accepted that life is challenging and that it is ok. (life is easy, we make it hard) In the face of adversity I have been less reactive and more of an observer. I have gained some patience I did not have before. Focusing on the positive has slowly but surely paid off. There has got to be something to the laws of attraction. I still have my "moments" of course. But im not as hard on myself and I move past it. Learning from it. It feels good to be here. I feel I have found my path again. Yes, it is the road less traveled, but it is clear to me. It is that knowing that I have the tools to handle the bumps that will come further down the path. Writing again has helped me gain this new perspective. (  I also think age has something to do with it...but that is a whole other story) I like it. And it is mine. And i have grown. What a perfect time for new growth, new beginnings, and new perspectives. Spring! there is new life all around. It is time to come out of your cocoon and start fresh. To me, the new year starts in Spring. We have had time to hibernate. We have had time to transform. Spring is time to open up and grow in the sunshine. To allow the rains to cleanse us.To plant seeds. Its time to shake off the cobwebs and gain new perspective. The first thing I do when I step outside into the cool spring rains is to take a giant breathe in. I fill my lungs with the scent  of nature.  I can smell life all around me. I can smell the damp dirt and the daffodil growing up out of it, it smells like Earth.  I can smell the rain, it is refreshing. I can smell green. And I can smell the horse manure. For me this IS the fragrance of spring and it is sentimental. But you might not see it that way. And i wonder what spring smells like to someone in the desert. I marvel at the diversity all around me. I am grateful.  These thoughts make me happy. As random as this may seem I swear there is a point in here somewhere. Such is life. I suppose, What you take from this is all a matter of your own perspective. I hope its something good. Peace on your journey.

contagious Love

she morphs
right before my eyes
from innocent eight year old
playing with dolls and ponies
to pre teen
with blushing pink cheeks
and awkwardly long legs
and back again
allowing me a glimpse
of the future
granting me thankfulness
for the now.
her laugh is contagious
as she stumbles around
with her head stuck in her shirt
young and silly
and full of hope.
faith
and love.
Her love is contagious too.
She loves everyone
and everything.
She trusts easily
and her heart is pure
and whole.
I am greatful
for the lessons
from this unkowingly
wise teacher.
She has given me
new hope,
for the future.
Renewed faith
that all is as it should be.
And unconditional love.
Forever filling my heart.